Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
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her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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