i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
