I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
