I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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