I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
