I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
