I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
