i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
