no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
