bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
