You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We left the knife in your bed.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
