Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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