I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I am one with the molecules
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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