bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
