I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
