do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i came on her dog
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
