I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
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I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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