Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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