Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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