I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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