rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
birth control should be required to get into college
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
