So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
