Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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