your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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