Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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