Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
