he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
