U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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