I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
