That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
