Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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