I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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