That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
