The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
