Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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