turn off your phone and go to bed
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.