OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
