I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.