my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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