I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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