You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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