I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
