i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
