I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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