sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
