Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
