i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
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Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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