she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
