my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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