I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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