I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
