So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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