My nipple is on Facebook.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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