No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
