I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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